Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On the Saddle Oyster Shore

Introduction: I decided to write this short story based on the painting assignment we had for class. I was having a hard time deciding on a painting to choose so I picked two paintings and went from there. In my story, I mesh the two paintings together in order to make a more well-rounded story. The two paintings I chose really inspired me because when I was little, I was always fascinated by the thought of mermaids really being able to exist. I came up with the name, "On the Saddle Oyster Shore," becuase, saddle oyster shells are also commonly known as mermaid toe shells. I wanted this story to have a mystical and mythical feel to it.

Esmeralda sat on the saddle oyster covered shore of her secret cove pulling a muricidae shell through the tangles in her damp hair. She listened to the tranquil lapsing of the gentle waves on the rocky land. She watched as the blistering sun twinkled along the caps of the aquamarine undulations of the salty water. The sun made her vibrant crimson and gold hair dance in the breeze just like a flame in the wind. Esmeralda was admiring a friendly little sea urchin bobbing just like a cork in the water. She splashed her new friend with her glistening flipper and watched as a tiny wave sent him spinning under the surface of the water. That’s when she heard him. Startled by the sound of heavy feet shifting the sand and coquina shells, she quickly cast herself back into the ocean.

He heard the displacement of the water and caught a glimpse of something beautiful disappearing into the depths of the turquoise sea. “Wait! I won’t hurt you!” he shouted in desperation but received no response. He tried again and said, “I know what you are. You are one of the most captivating creatures I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Esmeralda watched in awed silence from behind a large boulder in the water. He was indeed the most beautiful human she had ever seen. He had brown hair the color of the spots on a jujonia shell. His eyes sparkled green like the light reflected off of a sea turtle. He was tall and handsome. She watching in amazement as the boy lightly placed the sundial shell he was holding back on the ground and shielded his eyes from the radiant sun. She studied the way he calmly advanced towards the vast body of water.

Esmeralda knew that she shouldn’t allow this human to see her again. She knew it was against the way of her people to interact with the people of the land. She had never felt such a compelling urge to be near someone though. She hesitated in the shadow before slowly allowing herself to be seen by the beautiful human.

The boy gasped when he saw her luminescent skin glowing against the backdrop of rocks and the ocean. He slowly offered a hand and said, “My name is Troy.” Esmeralda paused and slowly emerged from the water with her body covered by a gown of a thousand pink murex shells. The boy looked at her legs in amazement and she said in a mystical voice, “My name is Esmeralda.”

10 comments:

  1. I think this is almost perfect in being so short. It adequately describes the two characters, and ends with a scene between the two. I think it would be interesting if it ended more effectively. Like, if something completely profound in nature happened between the two characters, and then the story ended. Like a fairy-tale, or a myth. Like a moral is learned or something like that.

    Awesome Title. Good Sound. Beautiful Images. Very Fantastic Voice.

    "The sun made her vibrant crimson and gold hair dance in the breeze just like a flame in the wind" -amazing.

    I thought your writing was at its best in this instance

    "Esmeralda knew that she shouldn’t allow this human to see her again. She knew it was against the way of her people to interact with the people of the land. She had never felt such a compelling urge to be near someone though. She hesitated in the shadow before slowly allowing herself to be seen by the beautiful human."

    I'm interested in which paintings you used because this story stirred beautiful images in my mind.

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  2. The story was about a mermaid who is captivated by seeing a human and breaks tradition of her teachings. she ends up going up and talking to him.

    I want to talk about the voice of this narrative, it reminded me alot of the little mermaid but you pulled off the voice greatly. I can tell your nitch is doing fantasy writing because you do it quite well. You made everything seem elegant, important and sacred which i beleive is the way Esmerelda saw the world.

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  3. Really good story. I really don't have much to say because I focused on sense detail and you hit it out of the park. I could pick a specific quote that uses sense detail but you find it in about every line of the story. I also thought it was good because not only did you use good sense detail but you also kept the story moveing which I think is a hard thing to do. great job.

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  4. This story is about a mermaid who is being courted by a human male. She understands that she shouldn't see him anymore because she is different, but upon seeing that she is different, the man exclaims that he knows what she is insists that she is beautiful because she is different. Despite their differences, they decide to pursue whatever relationship may come from this encounter.

    Your sense details and how you worded everything was truly impressive. "The sun made her vibrant crimson and gold hair dance in the breeze just like a flame in the wind." Lines like this make it so easy to imagine this story taking place, even as fantastic and improbable a situation as it was.

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  5. The story is about a mermaid who is being pursued romantically by a human being. I really enjoyed how the story just stopped at the end. Brittany starts leading us in a direction but the reader gets to decide what happens in the end with the mermaid and the guy. I liked the repeted use of place details, espically to decribe the sea and the mermaid.

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  6. Looove love love this descriptive story. Your details are awesome like you were painting a picture with your words.

    "Esmeralda sat on the saddle oyster covered shore of her secret cove pulling a muricidae shell through the tangles in her damp hair. She listened to the tranquil lapsing of the gentle waves on the rocky land. She watched as the blistering sun twinkled along the caps of the aquamarine undulations of the salty water. The sun made her vibrant crimson and gold hair dance in the breeze just like a flame in the wind. "

    I know it's the opening but it is so great. You captivate your audience in the first few lines.

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  7. this story is about a girl named Esmeralda and how she wants to know more about this boy named troy.

    I really liked your story, the way you wrote it made me feel like it was happening right in front of me.

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  8. This story was epic! In a nutshell- The desires of the unknown, what we know to be wrong but feels so right.

    I really like that you thought outside of the box bringing in this mythical character. I really enjoyed the style of it and the sense details. The voice is really strong and it definetly captures your attention. You did a really nice job with it and the length I think worked really well with your story. great character development too, I kind of felt like I wanted to learn more about them.

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  9. You write scenery scenery scenery very well haha. I'm sort of jealous because I'm often neglecting that sort of thing and having characters just exist in blank environments.

    As for the plot, I think it would have been more fun to play around with their longing for each other. Really fake the reader out. Make one of the characters reach out to meet the other, but then suddenly hesitate. Or something like that. Maybe the best part for the characters is the ending. But the best part for the readers is watching the characters overcome some obstacles.

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  10. In a nutshell, this a glimpse of the meeting of a boy and a mermaid and their instant attraction.

    Beautiful scene details! I can picture the setting and how pretty the mermaid is! This story could definitely be expanded on and turn into a long story. It was a great setup and it leaves you wondering what is next for the characters!

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