Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Struggling Mother by Jacci Baumann

Introduction: I wrote my story off of a John Nava painting I found recently over the internet. I did a report on John Nava in high school and I really liked his work, which really stuck out to me. If you get the chance to see some of it you'll probably understand why. I'm not sure of the particular title of the work however, I think it's one of his most strongest pieces. It's a painting of a naked woman curled up on what appears to be a marble floor. Her hair is ratty and tied back into a pony tail with a wide hair band holding pieces of her hair back. Her face is burried into her arms and it looks like there's a light coming from the west side of the painting... Anyways the story isn't up yet but it's coming. The thing I'm struggling with is creating a scene. What I got so far is a mother reflecting over her life, and the overwhelming pressures that force her to do things she's unsure of. In a way it's like she's trying to find strength and the things she talks about in the story, reveals what troubles her.

I am a mother of two older children now. One twenty-two and the other just turned twenty. Both are beautiful children. One boy and one girl, both of which I’m extremely proud of…

I’m proud of being a mother. I really am. There’s nothing more powerful then the bond shared between and mother and her child. I’ve loved them since the day I knew they came into existence. Right here, in my belly. Just thinking about the first time I saw on my angels makes me get all teary eyed and recalling how long ago it was still leaves me in aw. I can’t imagine my life without either one of them. They keep me alive, they are my strength.

Just about two years ago I lost my job. I was a secretary, working by Trabue Road right next to the railroad tracks. It was a fairly small company in the beginning, only consisted of about forty employees and within the next eight years it grew to over three hundred employees. Yep, and to think I managed all that, still baffles me.

Things are different now. I’m a closer at Donatos Pizzera down by Old Dublin Road. The place is pretty small, and after awhile of washing dishes in the hot water it reminds me of how much my life has changed.

I used to be such a confident person. The girl everyone loved and admired. In high school I was the Homecoming Queen for three years, was miss social and dated a guy named Tom, who was going to school to become a lawyer some day. As for me I wanted to become a nurse. Was going to help people who couldn’t help themselves, you know. I’ve always wanted to join the Medical field. But now that I am fifty years old carrying a minimum wage job and a foreclosure on hand, it almost seems impossible.

Stress can really take a tool on your body sometimes. I often find that sleep is the best way to escape. That and smoking; which I know I should quit. I remember that day when I picked up that terrible habit. I was working for some construction company at the time and this married man kept hitting on me. I asked him one day if he’d ever stop and the only answer I received was if I started smoking. So, I did and sure enough it didn’t stop him and I was left with a dying habit.

It’s amazing the types of things we do because of others; that the power of one can change the future for so many. I should have never followed my heart; I should have trusted my gut. You know…this must be what grief is. You think about those things in your life that you never bother to question until someone you know manages to leave this place known as Earth. But he’s in a better place now, my father. He just passed away this past Tuesday and I have yet to cry for him. I’m trying, I really am, but it’s hard to remember the nice simple things about him when I feel that he hasn’t been in my life for quite some time now.

It still feels like he’s away on a business trip. He is a furniture salesman…I mean he was a furniture salesman. He was a darn good one though, I do remember that. It must have been difficult raising a family of six though, including my mother. Now that I’m in the train of thought I can’t believe he did that to her. He left her for another woman. It still amazes me. Maybe this is why I’m unable to cry for him, or maybe I’ve come to realize that the only people I’ve learned to love are my two children.

My daughter did the sweetest thing for me this week. I was upstairs lying in bed trying to recall the good things in life when I heard someone at the door and this tiny voice, “Mom, you home?” It was then I knew it was my daughter. My sweet little daughter, oh how I love it when she comes home. I yelled down to her, “Yes, I’m coming, I’m here.” I got up and bolted down the steps but was surprised by what she was carrying.

She looked at me with a grin and said, “This is for you mom, it’s called a Duranta. I got it for you, for grandpa.”

I was stunned in shock. Just standing at the bottom of the steps perplexed by this beautiful gift, I finally spoke, “Oh, it’s beautiful.” I examined its purple blooms and bright green leaves. I could tell it was a still a baby…it was then I felt the first drops forming in my eyes.

As my daughter held it up and examined the plant she began sharing with me the special little details she went through to pick it out. How she went to the Alton Darby Nursery right down the street. And her concern for picking out just the right one but she had no idea where to start. Then a woman approached her and thought she was courageous for getting me a gift like a plant. As she continued through her story I realized that even though she knew I wasn’t close to my father, she still wanted to be there for me…

Despite everything that has made life almost seem worthless…somehow she still manages to lift all the weight right off my shoulders. Seeing her there before me, taking the time out of her day to see if I was okay and to get a plant in remembrance of my father made things feel a little more at peace.

I’m blessed to have two wonderful children and despite what life will throw at me, I shall never abandon them.

11 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Woah This has potential! I couldn't find an image of the image you are describing, but you described it beautifully. I liked how you had planned to develop the character emotionally, and I think you did a good job creating scenes where I felt I was getting to know her and her life. But is she divorced? Has she always been a single mother? The cultural relevancy this story has should be acknowledged in a reference to the stock market crash, or what have you.



    I like this paragraph.

    "Stress can really take a tool on your body sometimes. I often find that sleep is the best way to escape. That and smoking; which I know I should quit. I remember that day when I picked up that terrible habit. I was working for some construction company at the time and this married man kept hitting on me. I asked him one day if he’d ever stop and the only answer I received was if I started smoking. So, I did and sure enough it didn’t stop him and I was left with a dying habit."

    Though I like how ironic and dramatic this scene i, it's still a little confusing lol




    My favorite image, because I decided to do outside research, was the image of the Duranta flower.



    "She looked at me with a grin and said, “This is for you mom, it’s called a Duranta. I got it for you, for grandpa.”

    I was stunned in shock. Just standing at the bottom of the steps perplexed by this beautiful gift, I finally spoke, “Oh, it’s beautiful.” I examined its purple blooms and bright green leaves. I could tell it was a still a baby…it was then I felt the first drops forming in my eyes."




    I like how you set up the story with a motive on your part, this can help you to develop it. I really thought your voice was very imaginative and your scenes were effective and uniquely original. I really felt an emotional connection to this character. If you were to decide to study this character more, and develop this story, I think it would turn out great :)

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  3. I really thought this story was really really great. there was alot of emotion in it that I could feel. today I was really focuseing on sense detail and I think you could use more to juice up the story to convey your emotion more but I really think it is up to you too because the story is really strong as it is.

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  4. The story is about a strugling mother, who has had a pretty rough life and has just lost her father.

    The Convention i want to talk about is refelction, i think you did an amazing job detailing her life and what she holds dear to her. I also think she had something powerful to say. she loves her father dearly yet hates him at the same time for what he has done.

    I also just wanted to say that you wrote something very powerful and I think you had something important you wanted to say.

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  5. I really enjoyed the how the story started out with the character talking about her children and then at the end it is back to her children. The opening paragraph is great telling us how proud of a woman she is.

    "I’m proud of being a mother. I really am. There’s nothing more powerful then the bond shared between and mother and her child. I’ve loved them since the day I knew they came into existence. Right here, in my belly. Just thinking about the first time I saw on my angels makes me get all teary eyed and recalling how long ago it was still leaves me in aw. I can’t imagine my life without either one of them. They keep me alive, they are my strength."
    I like this paragraph because she is defined here as a strong woman.

    "Just about two years ago I lost my job. I was a secretary, working by Trabue Road right next to the railroad tracks. It was a fairly small company in the beginning, only consisted of about forty employees and within the next eight years it grew to over three hundred employees. Yep, and to think I managed all that, still baffles me."
    and then I like this one right after it that begins to show that she is not so proud anymore but still a strong woman.

    I really like the development of this character and I feel like I'd like to know her a little better. But it is obvious that her kids are most important and she is strong because of them.

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  6. This story is about a mother who has two children and is just trying to keep everything together from what has happened and for her loss.

    I really liked how you made this character become real, due to all of the strugles that she has gone through.

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  7. This story is about a mother that is truly thankful for the constant blessing of her daughters in a low period in her life. This woman is in deep grief but her children manage to keep her going.

    This story is very powerful.I think that the interior monologue is an excellent way to express the train of thought that this mother is having. The tone of the story is set right from the beginning,as you get a sense of her love for her daughters and that she has a strong reliance in this bond with them.

    I think there is a lot of room for analysis of the characters and I am personally intrigued by how things turn out for them. For instance, I would be interested in seeing the development of the mother's relationship with her father and how that is impacting her on a larger scale. Good story!

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  8. Wow! This is a very emotional story and Im sure it was really hard for you to write.

    In a nutshell, I think that you were trying to portray a single mother (Im not sure if shes divorced or if she has always been single) who is trying to find the strength to forgive her father for what he did to her and her family. I really like the way you use a few different flashbacks in the story. It really allows me to get to know the character and feel what she is feeling even though Ive never expericenced anything like it. The woman also talks about how much she loves her children and would never abandon them.

    The convention I would like to talk about is your exposition. You do a really nice job of setting up the story, for example,

    "I am a mother of two older children now. One twenty-two and the other just turned twenty. Both are beautiful children. One boy and one girl, both of which I’m extremely proud of…

    I’m proud of being a mother. I really am. There’s nothing more powerful then the bond shared between and mother and her child. I’ve loved them since the day I knew they came into existence. Right here, in my belly. Just thinking about the first time I saw on my angels makes me get all teary eyed and recalling how long ago it was still leaves me in aw. I can’t imagine my life without either one of them. They keep me alive, they are my strength."

    This passage really helps set the tone of the story.

    I really liked your story and it truly has a lot of potential. Great Job!

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  9. Jacci i thought that this was a very good story. I thought that the first two paragraphs were very good examples of characterazation. I thought that you did a great job of introducing this single mother to us in a way that gave us a good idea of who she is as well as making us feel for her emotionally.

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  10. This story is about a struggling mother, who is relecting on her life, losing her father and her love for her children.
    I thought that the reflection on the story was really good her. It almost seems like you personally know this person and you feel for them. I think develpong scenes can be worked on but i thought this was a really good story, very emotional and extemely well written.

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  11. You've really created a solid voice for the narrator. Your back story and characterization are nicely done.

    I'm hesitant to give critique since this seems very personal and you have emotional attachment to it. The only issue I see is that I can't really follow a plot. There are brief moments that weave together to set a definite mood, but it feels more like a glimpse into a character's thoughts than a story with actual movement, aside from the scene at the end. It's a beautiful piece of writing, otherwise, and you have a lot of talent.

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