Tuesday, April 27, 2010

High Noon at Sycamore Park by Jordan Thomas

Intro: The assignment that this story is based on is the visual map of your own neighborhood. I decided to do a story about my neighborhood park because I spent a lot of time there as a kid and learned some valuable lessons there. I also decided to have a comical tone to my story and infused a lot of 80's references because my family subjected me to it in my childhood. So hopefully you enjoy my story and i dont humiliate myself with it.

Jordan Thomas
English 265 5:30-7:30
April 27, 2010

Short Writing Exercise Three

In the summer time you can smell the fresh cut grass. There are acres of it that leads all the way to the railroad tracks. On this grass there is a baseball field, soccer field, and football field. Pretty much ant kind of field you would need. There is a playground on this field were any kid could have the adventure of a lifetime. Basketball courts were you can play endless amounts of games with your friends. This field is also known as our park. All the kids of the neighborhood flock there all the time. I spent endless amount of time there when I was young. I had many great experiences at that park which were bright spots in my childhood. One of those experiences was the time I stood up to the neighborhood bully one summer afternoon.
That day my friend Josh and I were playing a game of basketball when Ronnie, the fore mentioned bully, showed up. I was the innocent age of eight when the confrontation of a lifetime was about to go down. I started to recall all the torment this evil big kid put me through in my young life. Ronnie approached us with his gang of hooligans and proclaimed, “Thomas! Wheeler! You two are in for an ass whooping!” Ronnie and his gang were two grades ahead of us and easily had the height advantage on us. It seemed like one of the kid’s shadow stretched all the way across the park. One of them even looked like they had a Tom Selleck mustache. Despite the odds were not in our favor, I decided it was time for us to make a stand. A battle to end Ronnie’s tyrant hold on the neighborhood. A classic good vs. evil match up, like Batman vs. the Joker, or Crocket and Tubbs against the drug cartel or the Blues Brothers vs. Princess Leia with a machine gun.
I growled back in defiance to Ronnie my best Clint Eastwood impression, “Then bring it, punk!”
A silence came over the park, only a gust of wind blowing off the field made a noise. I swear I saw a tumbleweed roll across the basketball court. The sun was high and was warming up the basketball court. I could see a drop of sweat form on Ronnie’s gigantic forehead. It slowly rolled down the side of his face and drop on the warm pavement. Any hotter on the court and I would expect the devil himself to be in attendance for this fight. Even the passing of the ice cream truck didn’t stop this Mexican standoff.
Each side was waiting for the other to make that move that would start the ruckus. Ronnie’s friend James flinched and out of the corner of my eye I saw Josh’s open hand form a fist. He ran across the court and punched James right in the face. I could visually see a cloud form over James head with the caption in it, “Pow!” James stood still for a moment and then fell backwards like a tree that was just chopped down.
Ronnie and his two other friends were shocked by the first blow. One punch and one of his men were down. Ronnie underestimated the toughness of his opponents and he was going to pay for it. I realized that Ronnie and his goon’s attention was focus on their fallen comrade and I saw an opportunity to strike. I charged at one of the goons and kick him square in his junk. A Ralph Macchio, Karate Kid style kick. He responded with a cry for help. I am pretty sure the words he mumbled was not any type of language at all as he fell to the ground in pain like a ton of bricks.
I followed that kick by cocking my fist and punching the last goon right in the gut. It knocked the wind right out of him. Three down, one more punk to go.
Once again, I approached Ronnie and asked him one simple question. “Are you feeling lucky punk? Well, are you?” After this fight I was expecting an agent to call me and say I was the next Clint Eastwood after that performance.
I got ready to knock Ronnie’s lights out and then something stopped me. I started to realize what this situation looked like. I saw the fear in Ronnie’s eyes, the same fear that was once in mine and I realized that this fight was already over. I didn’t want to become a bully like Ronnie. That wasn’t me. I told him, “Go home and you never mess with us again. Right?” Ronnie responded, “Right.” He ran off with his goons right behind them like a bunch of scolded dogs. Then playing it cool and not tying to seem too excited and happy, I turned to Josh and said “Ready for another game B.A.?” “Sure Face.” We are Jordan Thomas and Josh Wheeler, the new men in the A-Team.

8 comments:

  1. The story was a tale of a young boy who used to play basketball at the local park but was constantly pestered by the town bully. until one day he decided to stand up for himself and give them an ass kicking of a lifetime. He is about to beat down the bully until he realizes he doesnt want to be that person.
    It had a great feeling of youth, you really felt the age being described. It had spectacular descriptions of the bully's that was where i felt the writing was at its best. I also really enjoyed all the references to the movies and kids comics it made them seem like super heros. you could really feel the joy that these kids had built up inside them.

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  2. This was an awsome story to listen to today. In a Nutshell I think it was a kid seeking justice for being picked on. My favorite part was the narration. I think that it was done the best because of the humor. I think that you should keep up with the humor. I really loved the refrences, like the several clint eastwood one's because I watch his movie's all the time so I really connect to that part of your story.

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  3. This story is the common, as the writer said, david versus goliath story. There is an underdog who stands up to a gang of older bullies and finds a way to defeat them; against all odds.

    The technique used in this piece of fiction that I thought was used the best was the sense details and the subtle comedy and references in some of those details that kept the story from being boring. We have all heard this story before, but he made it his own. It was the details like "Karate Kid-style kick" and the quotes from Clint Eastwood and pop culture that allow the audience to relate to the story and with the characters.

    An example of good wording is this passage:

    Each side was waiting for the other to make that move that would start the ruckus. Ronnie’s friend James flinched and out of the corner of my eye I saw Josh’s open hand form a fist. He ran across the court and punched James right in the face. I could visually see a cloud form over James head with the caption in it, “Pow!” James stood still for a moment and then fell backwards like a tree that was just chopped down.

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  4. In a nutshell - Revenge is always bitter sweet!

    This was a great story. I liked the way you started out with it. Talking about the setting and then forshadowing trouble. I like the comic voice, and how you reference scenes from movies and captured them to create some visualization. The character was totally believable which is what I really liked. You can tell that you enjoyed writing this story and thought about it in all perspectives. The ending I think was my favorite. I totally was on your side the whole time. Great work!

    Favorite lines/passage,"Once again, I approached Ronnie and asked him one simple question. “Are you feeling lucky punk? Well, are you?”

    AWESOME!

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  5. This was a story about kids that were just trying to have fun, but the neighborhood bully always has to ruin it. However, we get to see the epic battle that all kids dream about: taking the bully on and defeating him in the ultimate triumph.

    This story has really great characterization. "A classic good vs evil match, like Batman vs The Joker, or Crockett and Tubbs against the drug cartel..." These are great examples of what every child fantasizes about, which is defeating the bully. Not just defeating him, but annihilating, shaming, and taming him! I also like the way the character looks inward and says, "I didn't want to become a bully like Ronnie. That wasn't me." The complete superhero package of good versus evil and the morally sound ethics of the hero.

    The humor that is used really elevates and exaggerates the story to a comical level. As most all of us have dealt with a bully, this story is a triumph for the mind and soul because not all of us were able to defeat our childhood bully! Not only does this character defeat it, but he does it with superhero strategies. Very cool!

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  6. In a nutshell this story is about a standoff of a few kids. Though we never really know why this kid wants to kick his ass. Its still a great story and the details are awesome! I love the tumbleweed sentence. "I swear I saw a tumbleweed roll across the basketball court." It felt like I was right there witnessing it all.

    "In the summer time you can smell the fresh cut grass. There are acres of it that leads all the way to the railroad tracks. On this grass there is a baseball field, soccer field, and football field. Pretty much ant kind of field you would need. There is a playground on this field were any kid could have the adventure of a lifetime."

    Really terrific opening by the way!

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  7. Nutshell: This is an underdog story. A group of bullies are defeated by two brave boys.

    I thought the tone was refreshing. The narrator's voice, the popular culture references, the setting descriptions, all felt new and decadent.

    "A silence came over the park, only a gust of wind blowing off the field made a noise. I swear I saw a tumbleweed roll across the basketball court. The sun was high and was warming up the basketball court. I could see a drop of sweat form on Ronnie’s gigantic forehead. It slowly rolled down the side of his face and drop on the warm pavement. Any hotter on the court and I would expect the devil himself to be in attendance for this fight. Even the passing of the ice cream truck didn’t stop this Mexican standoff."


    This was a very novel scene, I would have liked to have seen more novel interactions between the characters.

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  8. This story kinda brought me back to childhood years where you have to stand up for yourself againts a bully one day. The story's main point is over-coming the fear of facing a neighborhood bully, standing up for yourself, and also doing what is right. Thomas stood up for his friends and himself againts Ronnie. After Thomas defeated Ronnie, he knew not to continue the fight because he was familiar with the look on Ronnie's face; the look of fear. That is why he let him go.

    Jordan did a very well job of the setting and place details in the story. When reading it, it takes you to the scene; it feels like you are there with the characters and throughout the actions. On the other hand, I think his characterizations are missing important elements. We do not know much about the characters and think that he should have described them or something.

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