Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Girl

We run off, backs to the wind, the chasing of cottonwood wasps down the sidewalk, snatching them as they glide and swoop, destroying their autonomous course of flight, laughing while we do such.


We have one more week together. Though, we’re not together, these are the moments we will remember.


“What do you want to do?” she said with an uprise in her voice. Feeling the unsettling humidity of the car she wiped the sweat from the back of her neck and pulled her hair into a ponytail.

“Well, we could go the park”


I followed behind you through the woods. Inspecting the glistening canopy above us, sun speckling itself onto the ground laid out in front me. We exited the woods to find that where the park once was, was now a barren brown landscape.


A warm wind  against our backs tossed soil and sediment about in the distance. Dirt dusted the entire sky of dazzling indigo. We could feel the wind begin to move from the brown plain outstretched in front of us to the green and orange aspen trees behind us, causing them to sway lightly. Their force then began to growing with each movement, growing more violent, gaining intensity the way an orchestra tuning up does. Then, suddenly, as if performing a concerto, the wind billowed a sound similar to a yelp. The resonance of this sound completely astounded us.


Her hair danced delicately behind her head, the gorgeous sun reflected itself out of the corner of her eye, I wondered if the feeling which consumed me was a product of the environment, or rather I imagined that the environment was acting in perfect accordance to this feeling of complete spiritual harmony. 

9 comments:

  1. This story is about a girl, a boy, and a moment. And how the moment is effecting the scene around you, or just the opposite.

    The last paragraph is my favorite.
    "Her hair danced delicately behind her head, the gorgeous sun reflected itself out of the corner of her eye, I wondered if the feeling which consumed me was a product of the environment, or rather I imagined that the environment was acting in perfect accordance to this feeling of complete spiritual harmony."
    Your descriptions are completely magical. Really love it even if it is short, although I could see it developing into more.

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  2. Nutshell: couple spending last moments before he leaves(may be war?).

    I really liked how poetic this story is. There wasn't much dialogue between characters but the poetic dialogue following the recorded dialogue was really good.

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  3. This is an awesome piece i like how its set up more like a narrative poem rather than a long story its quite refreshing. The details and the way the words flow is beautiful. I really enjoyed seeing the picture that inspired you to write this piece of work.

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  4. A boy and a girl spending some last moments together before one of them leaves.
    Your story was different not like anything that I have ever read. I liked it! I also thought that you described the place very well.

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  5. Two people are spending thier last moment together before they have to depart for a long time.

    Very poetic! I tend to write that way as well and I know what you mean when you said that you are having trouble making your stories long enough. You have amazing sense details!!!!!!

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  6. Nutshell-A guy and a girl are spending their last week together experience a special moment together.

    I thought that this was an excellent piece of writing. My favorite part was all of the sense details that you used, i really felt like i was in the story. I liked how you ended the story with the two characters lost in their moment, i thought that was pretty cool.

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  7. This piece is about a moment in time captured by two lovers that will soon have to part ways.

    The scene details and the sense details are very rich in this work. As a reader, you are entranced by the language, and you can picture the environment worshipping the girl. She is the main focus of the story, and yet we remember where she is without losing sight of what she means to the narrator. The part that was too realistic for me was the part about the car. I felt that this moment was intruding into my thoughts after a sentence that promised to give me more insight into what was going to make this week memorable for the pair. "We have one more week together. Though, we’re not together, these are the moments we will remember." I don't know if it was intentional to give a moment of reality, but I wanted to keep the pleasant feeling going without the intrusion of reality. I like the way this was written!

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  8. In a nutshell - boy and girl sharing the present.

    Well this is a really great start to something epic! I want to know these characters, but your scene details are killer. I really like the flow of this story. It's got a nice vibe to it.

    I like how you used that line from your original story when we paired off into groups and I told you it was one of my favorite lines, "Her hair danced delicately behind her head"

    You were able to go into more depth with this and I liked it. Nice job, with a little bit of action I think this story has a lot of potential

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  9. In a nutshell this story is about a boy and girl who are sharing this special moment.
    I thought that this was a very poetic story and really had some great sense details. The use of dust and wind as poetry was pretty good and descriptive. I also have to give Matt credit for creating such a detailed short story yet it is only about 3 paragraphs long.

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