Thursday, May 6, 2010

Fawn's Home Story

This is from our story based on a map of our home, or someplace special. It has been revised since I got it back.

Summer break runs from the beginning of June until the middle of August. It might have been the summer of 95’ but I lived on a blue, two story house on Forrest Street. I was six and was friends with most of the other six year olds on my block. Across the street from my house lived my best friends, Josh and Justine. Josh was in my grade, his sister, Justine, was a couple years older than us. Josh and I played almost every day in the summertime. He had brown hair; he was much taller than me and talked with a stutter. The kids on our block all made fun of him because of it but I didn’t mind it. He was my best friend after all. We had lots of adventures, from building an igloo in his driveway, to riding our bikes out in the alley way behind my house. One day that summer Josh and I had nothing to do, we sat on my front porch steps watching the rest of the neighborhood. We got on the topic of the elderly couple that lived next to Josh’s house.
“Hey, you know Mr. & Mrs. Bentsen?” asked Josh.
My parents were good friends with them and I had been over inside their house before but I had hardly talked to them. So I responded with,
“Yeah my mom talks to Mrs. Bentsen all the time, why?”
“Well, I was just thinking that we could go check out their backyard, it’s awesome! Have you ever seen it before?”
“No, what’s back there?” I asked
“I go back there all the time. They have a beautiful garden and a pond with gold fish in it. They let me play in it whenever I want. Do you wanna go see it?”
I thought to myself for a minute, that there was really nothing else to do, and Josh said he goes back there all the time so why not?
Even though the couple wasn’t home I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t feel any guilt as we lifted the latch and broke into their backyard. I mean Josh did say that he goes back there all the time. The first step I took was onto a stone-paved walkway. In my six young years of life, their garden was so big and so lush that it was the prettiest thing that I had ever seen. There were so many colors that it looked like a rainbow of flowers. Josh took me on a tour of it, like he had been there time and time before. He elaborated on all sorts of stories about how he went swimming in the pond, about the number of birds he saw in the birdbath, and playing in their flowers. We were back there for the whole summer afternoon. We got into a sort of game where we made a little garden of our own. We had picked off almost all of the big, red roses, and the yellow tulips to make our garden. A cardinal perched on the birdbath inspired us to make our little garden a place for the birds. We even gathered twigs nest-like, so the birds could have a place to stay and visit. It began to get dark out so Josh and I went back to our homes laughing about the fun day we had.
After dinner the phone rang. My mom answered and trouble began.
“Oh, I don’t know who could have done that, I’m really sorry that happened… Well I’ll let you know if I hear anything Mrs. Bentsen.”
My mom came into the living room and asked me what I did that day.
“Well, Josh and I played outside all day.”
I was hesitant to tell her what we really did but she gave me that look like she already knew. So I finally gave in and told her about our adventure and how we had made a pretty place for the birds to visit. My mom asked me why I did that and she told me that it was wrong of me to trespass. I tried to justify my reasoning to her telling her that I didn’t know I was trespassing because Josh had been back there so many times before. She called Mrs. Bentsen back and explained that she knew who the trespassers were.
The next day I had to go clean up the garden by myself because Josh had denied the whole story.

10 comments:

  1. i love this story, its really funny and i can see myself doing the same thing. I liked the fact that in the end you ended up having to clean up the mess all by yourself because your friend had lied. It reveals a certain character about him and makes us question how good of a friend he really was.

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  2. I think this story captures a day in the life of children that were bored and wanted to find something to do during summer break. When one friend trusts another to provide an activity, she discovers that maybe this friend wasn't such a good one after all when she has to take responsibility for her actions alone.

    I think that the scene details for the garden were really good, and I was picturing how pretty this garden would be to a young child. Good story, and I liked the ending because we have all had friends like that!

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  3. This story is about fawn and her friend josh going into Mr. & Mrs. Bentsens' back yard and causing some trouble.

    I really liked your story. I also liked how you described the garden that you destroyed an how you made other little gardens for the birds.

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  4. Nutshell-This story is about two young friends who through being nieve and young make the mistake of trespassing on someone elses property.

    I liked your set up, I could tell that trouble was comming and your story kept me waiting for it. This was also very believeable and relateable because i think most of us have done something similar before. I also thought it was funny how you ended the story by cleaning the garden yourself.

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  6. Nutshell: Young kids getting into trouble

    I thought that it was actually funny. Just the fact that it was a couple six year olds that really wanted to break in and see someone else's garden. I thought for the story the dialogue was good but I think You could really juice the story up more and reveal character by adding more dialogue.

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  7. This story is about two children that are bored and looking for something fun to do. So they go and make a garden of thier own and end up ruining someone elses garden.

    It was really interesting that your friend denied the whole thing. I really like how you exposed his true character and personality.

    You use your sense details very well! The way you described the garden was amazing!

    Good Job!

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  8. This story talks about a girl and her best guy friend and one of their many adventures together. Their innocence is displayed through their lack of understanding of their actions as they play in a neighbor's backyard. The main character must face the consequences of her action, but she finds out that her friend has denied the entire story; leaving her the only one to face the punishment.

    I liked the progression you made from the initial story you read to me when i was your partner on this exercise. I thought that one of the strong points of the fiction piece was your sense details and how you helped us visualize the garden and the festivities going on in the garden.

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  9. Nutshell: This is a story about a girl who gets in trouble as a kid.

    I really liked the setting. It's familiar, yet new and refreshing.

    Also the dialogue was very natural and flowed well.

    I like this scene the most

    “Yeah my mom talks to Mrs. Bentsen all the time, why?”
    “Well, I was just thinking that we could go check out their backyard, it’s awesome! Have you ever seen it before?”
    “No, what’s back there?” I asked
    “I go back there all the time. They have a beautiful garden and a pond with gold fish in it. They let me play in it whenever I want. Do you wanna go see it?”

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  10. In a nutshell- two kids getting into trouble (ain't that the best) lol

    I really enjoyed reading this, it brought back a lot of memories for me. It was nice to read and you feel for the characters. You did a nice job setting up the dialogue although it could probably be broken up a little more. It feels like this story might of actually happened which is what I liked because it was believable.

    Nice job

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